Tuesday, April 17, 2007

For now...

Ever since my accident, the treatment for which ended up causing my mastocytosis, I've had panic attacks. I had three, at least, the night of the accident, and I've had about a dozen since, in varying degrees.

About a dozen in almost two years does not qualify as often, so when they hit, I'm frightfully taken aback, which, I think, is an excellent way of putting it. I am hit with sudden, unaccountable fear of nothing in particular, everything in general. Sometimes it escalates from something relatively minor, with my response being outrageous.

I just had one so while the medication (Klonopin)takes effect, I thought I'd write a bit about it. Tonight, or rather this morning, since I've been so stuffed up I've stayed up all night trying to get clear enough to being able to consider actually breathing well enough to sleep, out it popped from nowhere. I finally went to bed and five minutes later was struck by panic that I had not paid my phone bill. Up I flew to dress, find my phone bill, reassure myself that I had not received a cut off notice, even to the extent of going out in the pre-dawn to search my car to be certain. My heart was racing, and I was gripped by unreasonable fear. So what? I would have just paid and it would be back on. But, no, I was panicked. Panicked not just because of my phone bill, but that disaster was about to befall me. Not the disaster of lack of phone, disaster!

This time I did not think, specifically, that I was about to die, as I do sometimes when I have one. But, still, it was lurking there somewhere in the dark recesses of the fruitcake of my mind. Tonight, it was just some vague feeling of utter, unavoidable disaster that would surely devastate me or devour me in some magical, inexplicable way.

I found my medication in a frenzy and took one immediately. A whole 1mg, not a half as when I am only feeling anxious, usually from the itching or the inability to do the things I want to be able to do. Then I checked my phone again to reassure myself (again) that it was still on, as though that would convince me that all was okay. Then, I was suddenly terribly afraid that the Klonopin would react with one of my other medicines, although I know for certain it would not, being prescribed all by my doctor and all being procured at the same pharmacist who would likely have pointed out any potential drug interactions and having read all of the accompanying literature of all the medicines. Still, I had to drag them all out and read them again to be sure, and would probably be reading them all once again had I not made myself sit down and start to write this post.

They are the most bizarre occurrences. My heart races, I begin flying or flittering about, my hands start to shake, my breathing becomes quick and shallow, I feel clammy all over, my thoughts race and I think unreasonable things when I know better.

I take the medicine, then proceed continuing the bizarreness for a while still yet, eventually I can sit down yet proceed to twist my hands and sometimes my whole body into knots for awhile while I worry, worry, worry, about something so ill defined in my head that I cannot really adequately explain it, even now and even here. Gradually, my heart calms and my breathing becomes deeper. My hands stay jittery for a while yet, as now, but will soon become less so. The clamminess will ease and I usually come to feel quite cold as I am becoming now. The tension in my back and legs begin to ease. I notice that I am no longer gripped in fear, it is just hovering, and will soon dissipate.

I will soon turn up the heat, crawl under the covers, my twisted body will ball up and I will sleep in peace for probably too long, and too late, but I will be peaceful.

Until next time.

When it will roar back for some unknown reason. Perhaps I know the reason for today. Perhaps it is the tragedy in Virginia that has brought this irrational fear and panic to me tonight. A reminder that sometimes fear does have a reason.


Anonymous said...

Given that you have never had any tests to confirm your diagnosis ie. bone or skin biopsy looking for increased numbers of mast cells; blood or urine tests for histamine & tryptase, you can't know for sure that you actually have Mastocytosis. If you have another condition left undiagnosed you may be putting your life at risk. Surely your life is worth more than the cost of these tests.

BlueKat said...

Yes, my life is worth more than the costs of the tests. However, 1) neither I nor my doctors have been able to find anyone around here who can do the tests, 2) when I say I cannot afford the tests, I don't mean it would be inconvenient, I mean I DO NOT HAVE ANY MONEY - I cannot pull it out of thin air, 3) I'm well aware that my life could be in danger and I'm scared as hell.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry if my previous comment was harsh. I am concerned for you & am sorry that you are in this predicament. I wonder though if the insurance companies & social security would be less dismissive if you had documented evidence of your diagnosis. Dr Akin would be an excellent person to see to get these tests done & also to work out the right medications for your treatment. Your doctor may be able to contact Dr Akin directly & get information regarding the tests & appropriate treatment. I wish you all the best & hope that your attorney can help to resolve your financial nightmare.

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