Digging out from under

Gastrointestinal symptoms started slamming me shortly after my last entry, then massive, bone-crushing fatigue jumped on-board and I have done little but toddle from bed to toilet to couch to toilet and round and round again since. By Friday, I began to realize that I was seized in the grip of profound depression and just wanted to crawl into a hole in the center of my bed and burrow down to hell. I immediately took my one last remaining Wellbutrin I had been saving for such an occurrence, just in case.

Luckily, I wasn't too far gone to reach out to my mother and sister. Just that simple act of reaching out and getting that support system set up can save a person's life in the grip of depression. As incredibly hard as it may seem, anyone battling depression MUST do this one thing - reach out to someone, somewhere - a relative, a friend, a clinic, a social service, a help line - anything. You CAN do it, and you MUST. I know. I have battled clinical depression for decades, but I had it so well controlled as to be non-existent with medication and after years of psycho-analysis and therapy. The level of it at it's worst never approached the sheer pernicious persistence and massiveness it has displayed in the year or so as my masto symptoms have intensified, and thinking that I could get by without my medication for it has been a major mistake.

My sis is being a rock. Unfortunately, my mom had a minor car accident Sunday and is distraught, which has added to my situation, but I have managed to pull up a little support for her and I expect she'll be back to herself tomorrow. They have helped me realize that there is simply NOTHING more important than taking medication for my depression.

I had a whole bottle of Cymbalta, which my doctors had wanted me to try in addition to the Wellbutrin and Ritalin last year. I had tried it and it made me nauseous, nervous, jumpy and shaky. Since I've been off the Wellbutrin and have been hoarding the last half dozen Ritalin, I thought I'd give it a try and see if it gets me to Thursday, when I see my doctor.

I made it through today and the side effects were nothing like what I'd experienced before in combination with the other drugs. Yes, my stomach has been upset and I've had diarhea, but I was having that before, so I can't say it worsened it for sure. Since it is a serotonin reuptake inhibitor, I'm thinking it may give me an indication as to whether the doxepin might be enough to keep my head above water. I'll still get and RX for generic Wellbutrin. I've found a Canadian pharmacy where I can get a months worth for about $40. Wellbutrin is a drug to maintain dopamine levels and since it works so well for me, as does Ritalin, which also affects dopamine levels, it's been pretty well established that keeping that brain chemical stablized helps me.

Now, however, with my brain obviously awash with God knows what chemicals causing this mental dysfunction, who knows what all will help. (Gastrocrom will, dammit, for $680 a month!)

Just to note, while I was taking Wellbutrin and Ritalin on a regular basis, the brain fog was not abated. Of course, it's all worse not taking anything, but the brain fog persists despite any depression symptom alleviation.

"Brain fog" is like cement clogging your thinking processes and ability to understand and remember just what the heck is going on at any given time. With me, its not like I wouldn't know what to do it the house started burning down or a child started choking or something like that.

Lemme see if I can give some real life examples. As I've explained before, the right words don't come easily. Similar words to the words I am trying to write or speak come out instead. I've always been a superb speller, but now I cannot spell very familiar words and when I look up a word, I can't remember how to spell it one second after looking it up. If I have to go to the store for more than two things, I have to make a list and then try very hard to remember to bring the list and remember that I have the list once I get there. When I am driving to a particular place to do a particular thing, more often than not I will drive right past the place, even if I have someone with me and we are actually discussing the place I am driving to. There's been lots of burnt toast, food forgotten in the microwave, and sitting down to a meal is a chore since I have to get up to get a fork, then a napkin, then the salt, then a drink, etc. etc. Filling out a form, or trying to compile my bills or figure out expenses is an insurmountable mountain. It's pretty ridiculous.

Also, sometimes I will get incredibly angry over the tiniest thing and not know why. They are usually very short bursts, and I am able to realize that I have to apologize immediately, but they are upsetting and I try to take something to calm me down so that my system doesn't go haywire. If I don't, then the itching comes or intensifies and more than likely I will be off and running to the bathroom before I know it.

Okay, like right now. Itching like crazy and bout time to run. See ya later.